RAN-domly

I am thinking about: my future life in general

I want: a 5 day vacation with friends

I wish: i didnt had to get up today morning for work :)

I wonder: why do some chemistries work and others just dont come up to that level

I regret: i would like not to regret, we only improvise

I can't: get up in the morning but would really like to.

I am: happy :)

I dance: when i am extremely happy nd with friends

I sing: whenever i am alone (otherwise ppl wld run away ;) )

I need: a camera to capture things, people, emotions, sky in different shades, life

I cry: i have stopped crying, cuz i know it is not the solution

I make: life a little more colourful everyday

I write: about random emotions and happenings of my life

I confuse: on what i wanted to be and what i am becoming

I miss: my friends

I try: to get up early everyday so that i have more time to think about other things than just work.

I know: that a smile reduces the friction in alot of things

I will: make a wish-list, a fresh one.muahahaha!!

Wahi toh...

So here I am sitting @ office, yeah working it's 7 and the office population has shrunken to numbered people. Yeah, I do have the luxury to vent my thoughts over here while a heavily loaded mail is in the process to reach the client. I feel it's such a useless job to keep checking how many bytes have gone, once it's over you would know it, anywayz. So here I am talking loud, it's friday evening that hour of the week that I just absolutely hail , i think it's the power of this hour that keeps me going the entire week and one day of the week-end.
A chutti is like the maddening heights of relief to the mind, it's like those lazy dayz where you can wake up late, switch on to top volume music whenever u wake up and ur mom going crazy with the amount of noise pollution you create.
Anywayz, guess what, I have finally resumed reading, probably two years back I would have read some non-fiction and shared my gyan over here, but I guess I have changed alot within these two years. So here is the hard truth, naah I didnt pick up any boring stuff, I picked up one of the so called "best-sellers" and read it page by page. And as I flipped the last pages, I thought about how lose the plot is, instead of reminscing over the fact that may be the author wants to speak about his war-trip with his and his in-laws family before he won hearts, naah not the hearts of the heart game u all play ya.
Anywayz I picked another book right after it and whose beginning I have started to enjoy hopefully the book maintains consistency. And on the personal front there is nothing much happening, I lurk in office for almost all my waking hours and spend the rest travelling back home, with my ear-phones plugged in and deep in thoughts of my book.
Life still needs some craziness, something mad something entirely whacky to keep me going.
And yes one more thing I am happy about is the fact that winters is on its way ....yoooohooooooo!! Winters has something about them that is beautiful and even though it's entirely cold, it reminds of being warm and cosy.

Any yes my play list has shrunken to one song....."fiqrana hum jeeyein....." muahahahaha it's a masti wallah song!!

Of the Sweet Nothing's viewed by Life!!

And this is what happens, the rendzvous between the mind and the Actuals. The now and then or probably the then and now. Sometimes, I wonder have I zapped myself so much of my own emotions that I have become hard on feelings. On missed things, on things that dont have any signaficance now, of cobwebs built around relations, of the then and nows. Do we need surgeries to change our own viewpoints or do we really go under a catharcis that can't be defined and yet it is defined in so much and so many ways.
The beauty of now is the one fact that it's going on without any what for's, without much questionings, without the duplicity of yesterday. But the irony of today is it keep's pulling back the pages of yesterday's. It keeps browsing those yellow pages that have become history.
There is no quantity of the pain felt while leaving and there is no quantity that can measure the why's of things left behind.Today the heart searches for something more defined, more tangible to hold on, to tell, to see, to feel.
Quiet the life of yesterday and cacophonied the life of today, yet the dichotomy of mind. The crazy dichotomy of life, the wish, to see, to feel and care for something beyond, yet enjoy the Now.
The heart seeketh the madness of yesterday to be continued in the pages of today.

Working Times

Dear All,

I know I should have written this earlier, especially for those people who have been supportive all through my absolutely crazy mood swings. So here it is the blunt truth and my current status....I am working and have finally been engulfed in the working force and work life is absolutely crazy. Cuz unlike College there is no concept of BUNK, something really major in my life ;) there are only holidays which are sparse and absolutely unsufficable to meet friends, to hang out, to check out newer places, to reminsce, to think of improvising. Haah, bt newayz the best part about everything is finally I have a place where I rack my brains, give solutions and try to enjoy lil stuff in life.

As for a personal note, I am far away from reality, yet trying each day to find meaning to life and add more to than what is, to live life a little crazier than mundane understandings.

Life bhi thodi ajeeb hai jab chalti hai toh purri acclerator par 110km/hr ke speed pe, nahi toh ekdam halt ho jaati hai ...hope life continues to give surprises, with jolts, breaks and smooth drives, hope the roads ahead have some lush green life to it.

The Intangibles

Trying to find escape-routes. Trying to give reason to smiles. Trying to find ways to give smiles. Trying.... Sigh!! that's all I can do or is it.....??

Feel like colouring
a different dream today,
a dream of hopes,
a dream of laughter.

A dream of making
unknown faces smile
A dream of being
and becoming

the soft humour around
the sound of laughter
the reason of smiles.

I want to fill
so much to this day
that the "I" is easily meshed.

A hope, A wish
A belief...!!

Yeh jo hai zindagi- jaise bhi, jab bhi!!

So here I am writting again with a statuary warning that the content written ahead is all gibberish. So if you are completely vella and have absolutely no task or love to read about anecdotes of a fellow vella paerson, you can go ahead and read it. Now, that I have proven u r vella, I am quiet enjoying ur eye movement of wanting further information on that note. Wink Wink!!

So well, I have just come after playing tennis matches, no wait! just when you start creating a mental picture of me with all the professional tennis shorts, I would rather clarify it in the beginning that I am a beginner, just a starter but absolutely falling for the game each day. It's kinda fun, to be able to smash all ur vent on a poor ball!! mUAhahaha!!

So well having said that I have just come from there, I might as well tell you that while playing I "FELL" twice. Ooooppppsiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!! yeah my bum hurts and so does my ankle and knees. Errrrrr. But nehow just writting about it makes me smile a little and not writhe in pain....oopppsssieee mad me. I know. Well I noe I am no Sania Mirza whose injuries will become a natural state of sadness for the whole nation. But newayz having fallen my first reaction was how many people were watching me and well the first time was an embarassment cuz I fell while crossing the net.....phot cut (Short-CUT) u see and I actually wanted to get up and count how many people would be watching me. Errr luckily there were few and at the far end of the court. Yippppiiieeee. I was saved although went limping to take a break.

But the second one was in full view of everyone... errrrr!!! Alrite I was taking this shot whose first bounce was in the far end of the court and then it flew outside the court . errrrrrr and me landing thuudddddddddddddddddd on the ground. What a faus pas but nevertheless I couldnt help laughing at myself. I mean I landed rite on my back and for split seconds did not realise the pain, it was funny cuz I only remembered of sportsmen being injured in the court.

Nehow so that's about it, snippets of my crazy life. It's just some moments in my life that make me realise and question that, well have i forgotten to laugh at myself, have i forgotten to fall and get up, am I taking myself too seriously??? Errrr anywayz yeah dont worry I didnt surpass any head injuries. I am alright. So dont go arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhh on my "masoom sawals"(innocent questions).

Now that u have read it I warned u in the beginnning only, so dont curse me. Tell me what's going on in ur mind. Mental blank space what's running in that- life, future, now, I, what if's, fear? What's going on?? U see kisi mahan insaan ne bola tha ki tum jo bhi woh tumhari soch ka ek ek phal(fruit) hai. Ok seedhi baat, no backwassssssssss........nd gyaaaaaaaaannnnn...BOLO bolo I am all ears..!! :)

Home- Land

Have you ever felt that it's neccesary for you to go back to the place that you were born, just to re-connect with the older times, the older version of yourself. Not that you want to become that once more but to re-touch those places as if they will insitgate back those memories of what you wanted to do then and there and how. Inspire you in some intangible way. As if it will recollect a part of yourself, the more determined form of "You" and with it the times that did not had the pressure of right NOW.

I dont know what it is, but suddenly a strong desire to visit back my native place had come. Suddenly, I want to go over and visit St Paul's Cathedral(Kolkata)...sit there for a really long time. Watch it become Dark nd darker like I used to do in old times. Whenever I wanted to be alone and myself, whenever I wanted to think about things, I was in love with that place.

Anyhow, while sitting and discussing things with a friend of mine, a sudden gush of memories came back. Things that seemed more achievable then and things that suddenly got lost in Time and with Time.

A sudden realisation that things that I have been after, without realising that when I will get them, they would not be of any significance to me at all.

I realised when my Vacation is almost about to end that I stupidly wasted alot of time in thinking about things. Where as things that I always wanted to do I didnt do, things that I have kept for, "When I will have time" types. I always wanted to learn Bengali, basically fluent bengali, I used to just manage bengali back in Kolkata and I always had that feeling that I wanted to learn it in some time, it's mishti(sweet) u see. I always wanted to learn Urdu...it just adds alot of nawabi and beauty to hindi. I wanted to learn to sing folk-songs, they somehow always look cuter and melodious. I wanted to experiment with different tunes in gutiar, make my finger more swiftly and smoothely in it. Anyhow the list goes on and on and on.......I will do it in sometime, when ever i get time or I can take out time.

Till then, njoying life, loving it and trying to think of experimenting with alot of things.